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Hi Gwen. Something happened on the ship that I can't forget about, but I don't really know if it's real anymore. I don't know what it means. You're my friend, and you know a lot of things. Can I talk to you about it sometime?

hey, Credence. you know you can talk to me about anything anytime.

what happened on the ship? does it have to do with you and Dumbledore thinking you were brothers?

Oh no it's not about that. We might be that anyway but not. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's easier in person.

It's about something else with a friend. Though we didn't know each other on the ship. Did you ever find the spa?

wait you might actually be
you know what
let's put a pin in that. we can come back to that one later.

i heard about the spa but i never went there, no. you found it though, with a friend of yours?

He's a friend here but I didn't know him there, like I didn't know you. I think there was maybe a spell or something.

[ It's a few minutes before he figures out how to continue. ]

I don't know how to talk about this. Not a lot happened but it felt like a scandalous thing. The spa had shared bathtubs. I wouldn't have even gone in there if I was just myself.

yeah something on that ship was messing with people's memories. like, even worse than the way Deerington normally messes with memories.

ooh so you skinny dipped with a guy?
you don't have to kiss and tell if you don't want to, but if you want to spill the tea, i'm here for you.

Yes. Did you lose your memories?

[ He doesn't think she had, based on how she'd interacted with him. ]

I don't know what skinny dipped is. It was just a bath. But it was a little more than that, I guess.
Part of me feels like it was wrong. But it wasn't bad or wrong when it happened, so why should it be now?

[ Look, sexuality is hard when you're traumatised by religion and stuff, okay. ]

skinny dipping is when you swim naked with someone.
it can be (but doesn't have to be) kind of a sex thing.

was this bath a sex thing?

jsyk (just so you know), sex isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as no one gets hurt and all the people involved agree to it.

It wasn't exactly that.
Maybe it wasn't exactly not that?

I've never done any of that stuff, you know.
It wasn't bad and no one was hurt. I don't know if he remembers it.

there's nothing wrong with not being super experienced. everyone figures stuff out at their own pace. you should probably figure out whether he remembers it. i'd say that's a good first place to start.

I'll talk to him about it.

But you think it's okay, right? We're not supposed to talk about anything like this at home. Or Ma said it was sinful. She said that about everything though so I don't really know what to think.

[ Being a repressed queer is HARD okay ]

a lot of people think a lot of things are sinful. that doesn't mean you shouldn't do them. who cares what your Ma would think? no offense, but she wasn't always the nicest person to you. maybe you shouldn't do what she would want you to do.

No, I don't care what she thinks. She's dead now. But I never learned anything else until very recently.

This doesn't bother you at all? That we're both men I guess.

Although I don't know if I want to be that either. I read the book you gave me.

no it doesn't bother me that you're both men. it wouldn't bother me if you were both women, or both non binary, or any combination of genders. what someone does in their own sex life is their business, not mine.

i'm glad you read it. did it clear up anything for you? or do you have any more questions now after reading it?

I wonder why other people care so much. Maybe that's just a future thing. It's not talked about where I'm from unless you whisper.

I still don't really know how to tell. I don't want to be human and helpless and afraid. I don't want to be what people expect me to be. I just want to be at all, on my terms.

some people care way too much about other people's sex lives. but i say fuck em.

(not literally, fuck better people than nosy assholes.)

that's fine! you can be you on whatever terms you define for yourself. if that means you're a human guy, or a nonbinary wizard, or a genderfluid stormcloud, whatever. you're still you.

[ He still can't imagine just writing or saying a word like fuck. It always surprises him, even after months of being around people who say whatever they want. ]

I want to be a monster. People keep telling me I'm not, as if that will make me feel better or something. But I WANT to be. It feels safer. Better.

I told Magnus once that people are so bad so often. Can't monsters be good?

I think good and bad are relative terms. It's not cut and dry. I guess neither is identity.

then BE a monster! embrace your monsterhood! whatever that means to you.

i think anyone can be anything. good or bad. human or monster. everything is shades of gray.

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text; un:credence (assume this is once they're back to Deerington)

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